Smoking pot and sweaty boobs

Hello all! That title got your attention, I know it!  HA, now because of your interest in my sweaty boobs, you are stuck here reading my blog!  HA!

It is I, once again, your favorite blogger that posts less frequently than the locusts visit.  I am just so busy.  You know, all the awesome mom things ya know.  I have to chauffeur Cybil around to her various destinations.  She is involved a lot which I like, my first kid wouldn't do anything.  lol  Sorry my sweet.  She did do girl scouts for a few years and I was lucky enough to make her dreams come true by being the leader.  I'm sure she loved that the only hour a week she could escape my presence and lunacy, that I was there too.  No such luck, little child.  She also did basketball for like a hot second.  Can't remember why she quit that after only a couple games.  She really didn't have any WNBA recruiters busting down our front door, so perhaps that's it.  It reminds me of when I joined the track team in the 7th grade.  I was going to be the best track superstar of the entire school.  I was going to have people from all over the country attend the track meets of the amazing girl who can jump hurdles like she is on fire.  Well, it all started with this boy.  That's usually how it starts right? I mean who wants to go and get all sticky sweaty and stuff on purpose.  yuck.  I hate to sweat.  Perhaps if I was less endowed I wouldn't care so much, but when you have that under the boob sweat, it's totally not fun, and when you put powder under there it just gets all cakey and shit.  Sometimes I think I would totally like to have small boobs, so I wouldn't have to wear a bra again.  But then my daughters wouldn't make fun of me wearing one of those tank tops with the built in boob shelf as a bra.  And I like to totally freak my daughters out.   It's kind of a hobby for me..but those tanks are totally comfortable as hell, right? You know that when you come home, the bra comes off!  My daughters insist on wearing bras all the time, even when they sleep so their boobs are not saggy like their moms.  They are certain it's because of those sling tank tops.  Oh well.  I couldn't care less.  But, I would gt them perked back up in a hot second if I ever won the freaking lottery.  Although, I would ask for the super firm version so I wouldn't have to wear a bra.  Perhaps they could put rounded metal shelves under the silicone.  That's a million dollar idea right there!

Okay, I think I got off track.....cripes.  Well, anyway there was this boy....And now that I think about it, this boy was very dorky looking.  I didn't shoot my hopes too high by falling for the football and basketball players, I set my hopes low and a little more realistic by dating the members of the track team, and if we had a chess team, probably them too.  Although there was a druggy I had my eyes on for quite awhile.  Purrr...he is still extremely hot, even after 20 years.  Can you believe it?? I have been out of high school for 20 freaking years!  The graduates and end of school has made me remember my high school days.  I had a lot of fun! Probably too much fun, but was also a pretty good kid.  I never got in trouble, except for my "Ban the Spork" campaign my senior year.  I was a rebel.  I didn't have my first joint till I was 36 years old.  That's pretty amazing in my opinion.  Perhaps if I hooked up with the hot druggy I could have experienced more psychedelic awesomeness at an earlier age.  But I'm happy I stayed drug free.  I only did it when I was 36 cause all my friends were doing it and I wasn't going to be the one who didn't ya know....peer pressure...it's a dangerous thing.  And in all honesty, I don't even think it worked....perhaps I was just too drunk from my Sailor Jerry and cokes to notice.  Sailor Jerry will fuck. you. up.  He's a wicked bastard.  Waking up on the floor by the toilet with my pants around my ankles and my so-called "friends" taking videos of me with their phones wasn't cool.  But, ya know, if it wasn't me on the floor, I totally would've had my phone out too.  Totally.  Ha.

Anywho...get back to doing something productive, would ya? Go stalk people on facebook, or whatever floats your dingy. 

Till we meet again,
me

Terrible Teenager of Titanic Proportions

Well, I have had a busy couple of months and I apologize to all of my loyal followers for being denied my totally awesomeness filled rants of lunacy.  Today's choice of rants is once again....Cybil.  Okay so is 13 too young for me to sell her off to a band of gypsies? Cause I know they come through here on occasion when it  gets warm.  I remember when I was 17 and working at the corner store in Wakeman.  My bosses at the time Clif and Carol Sabin (wonderful couple if ever one existed), so Clif would say to me,  "Now, watch out for them gypsies! They'll cheat ya!"  He was right!  Every summer a big pile of them would come in to the store and spread out everywhere where you couldn't keep your eye on all of them.  One would be at the cash register asking for change for a $20 and hopefully walking away with change for a $50 by some retarded unexpecting cashier who had not even completed high school yet, trying to rile me.  They never did though, cause I was totally smarter than them dang gypsies.  oh yea.  My $4.10 an hour was my bread and butter..ya know cause I needed to buy cassette tapes of Poison, neon knee socks, rubber bracelets, lots and lots of hairspray and stuff, and condoms....lots and lots of condoms, cause you know, teenagers are horny all the time and what not.  Anywho...I'm thinking of selling her to the gypsies.  I wonder what they pay for a 13 year old? They might make me pay them, or else they'll try and return her after about a day and she starts whining and rolling her eyes..she's really good at that, the best eye roller in town in fact.  She's also smart as a whip.  She tells me all the time that she knows everything.  I wish I knew as much as her.  I think that as you get older and you have teenagers you start to lose brain cells...or maybe they just suck them out of us while we're staring at them while thinking "Where in the hell did I go wrong?"  

So, she has her moments..ya know last night she was eating this frozen strawberry thing that I bought her because I'm awesome and all that, and she offered me a bite.  I was delighted as typically she stays far away from me.  I opened my mouth for a taste and she runs to get another spoon, because you know mom's have germs...lol  well, I kinda have a thing about that too, so I'll let that one slide.  And she did thank me for taking her to the movies tonight.  We saw Titanic 3D...but she was sure to tell me 9 times that her head was killing her because it was soooo long and she hates wearing 3D glasses, and then sat through dinner complaining about the food and that it was not good, and did I know that her head was killing her?  Yep, see if mommy takes your ass to another 3D movie again.  I think I'll hurl myself over the counter and ask the girl to stab me with the popcorn scooper.

Suck it, Valet chick!

Today I hope you will allow me to vent.  Although I usually just end up venting on this blog anyways...so today will not be much different.  My day was going quite spendidly,  Cybil was at school, I had worked off the weight I gained from eating an entire box of Thin Mints over the weekend, (I know what you are thinking and I just advise you to shut the hell up already, they are delicious and I haven't had them since last year and I work really hard, and I am an adult and I can eat a whole box of cookies and there is really nothing u can do about it, so get off my case already), and they were playing Devo on the radio, which always makes me feel good and funky.  Great day, then I had to drive Tyrone to Cleveland Metro today for a dr appt.  There is one valet in particular that I really like.  For one, he only charges me the minimum because of my crippled friend,  and cause I think I'm white and I think a lot of black men like the white girls, uh huh baby, whatever works for discounts~ for two, he never even bothers with giving me a ticket, cause he parks the van right there in front, and has stopped traffic to allow me to load/unload Tyrone.  He likes me because I tip him well.  That's what you do for each other, you tip someone well and they give you discounts.  So we pull up and I unload him to find 5 women and men in blue coats running around like they have no clue what to do.  Where or where is my friend??  Then I hand the keys to a woman who says, "I can't park that, you'll have to go somewhere else."  Eh, excuse me?  I ask what do you mean, I park here all the time, as we come here about 6 to 7 times a year, sometimes more.  She says to me that she has to call someone.  So Tyrone and I sit and wait for them to tell me that they cannot park it, but I can park it in the spaces to the right.  I explained to them that the reason people choose valet is so they do not have to park, you give your keys to the friendly attendant, they say thank you and you are on your happy way.  She evidently showed up late to her orientation that explained the meaning of the term "valet".  She informs me that I need to pull up and around, because now I have someone who has pulled right up behind me and of course I pulled right up behind someone else, as this is what is typically done in a valet situation.  I know the drill, I always valet.  I am lazy.  Anyways, I creep the van in and out of the parallel parking space, pull up, then proceed to drive in reverse about 100 feet to back it into a tiny spot they are pointing to me.  She then informs me that I am out to far, and would I mind moving it back some more.  By this point, I am ready to shove my foot so far up her ass she can taste my shoes.  I then explain why I had to park my own vehicle, when it was valet?  She said that they were not trained to park those "things".  Now mind you, we have a van.  It is a regular full size van, not a bus, or a limo, or anything longer..it's a freaking van.  She said they don't mess with the lift.  I said, as you can see, I have already unloaded him myself and do not expect you to mess with the lift because you will probably mess it up.  I trust no one.  I then say, well then I don't have to pay for the valet because I parked it myself, correct?  Oh heaven's no!  You still have to pay for the space.  Lovely...now because of the blue coated bitch we are late to his appointment.  When I return to pay the $9 fee because I was over my hour by 10 freaking minutes so it went up to the next amount, I ask if there's someone I can speak to.  Of course not.  I ask where is my friend?  He says they are a new valet company and he did not stay on as a member.  Well shit. So they say to me "We cannot move lift vans."  I said the lift is inside, all you have to do is sit in the seat and drive it to a space.  It's just a van.  Well, he informed me that they were not trained to do those.  Okay, so valet can move cars, trucks, minivans, and probably full size vans, but not mine.  Mine is one of those special vans.  Even though I had closed the lift up, and everything, and by looking at it, it's a normal van.  They cannot move it.  She then had the audacity to look at me funny, when I took my change and did not give her a tip.  Are you kidding me? I had to park my own van.  F-you. 

Spam...Not the potted meat kind

Holy Hell it's been too long since I blogged and you all were probably ready to send out a search party for me and everything.  I am safe and alive. I promise. I didn't realize it had been September since I last spoke with all 9 of my adoring fans.  You probably all had a terrible holiday season because of it.  I am truly sorry....anywho, so much has happened since then.  I turned 38(ugh), my demon child turned 13(double ugh), my 18year old got engaged (it's okay, she's not pregnant!), I became addicted to the fruit flavored Mentos (not the Rainbow kind, those actually suck hairy balls, this is the fruit flavored one, and it turns out there is a BIG difference, and we began the Ohio winter season.  Fortunately it's been a freakishly warm winter season which is probably a bad thing and keeps reminding me of that global warming thing and how the earth is probably gonna blow up or have some other sort of catastrophic event.  Which reminds me that it is now 2012 which means that we are all gonna die this year or John Cusack will come and save us, which is okay with me cause I used to have a huge crush on John in the 90's.  He performance in the movie Better off Dead was superb.  I don't understand why he didn't win an Oscar for that performance, but enough about that. 

So to bring you up to today's topic: Spam.  Now I know what you are thinking.....ooh the rectangular shaped container of potted meat goodness? barf...Tyrone loves Spam.  I think that there is something wrong with him.  He likes it fried up and on a sandwich, but if I refused to cook it cause it kinda smells, he'd probably just eat the shit right outta the can, that's how messed up he is.  I opened my email this morning to find that I had 27 new emails overnight!  I am so popular, was my initial reaction.  Little did I know, that the majority of these people that took the time to write out an email to me, did not even know me!  Can you believe it? and I'm a little disheartened that they think that I am into things that I am not.  For example, I received an email from Bodacious Black Bootys.  Am I to assume that they think I have a bodacious black booty and they want me to join their team, or that I have a bodacious black booty fetish? I'm confused.  I received another email with a subject line that read, "We want to give you a gift".  Well I am all about gifts, so this intrigued me.  I opened the email to find out that there is this couple who live in Albania who won the lottery and they want to share it with deserving individuals such as my self.  How exciting I thought! I AM deserving anyways, well, to get this gift of $50,000 I just have to send them only $3000 to handle the transfer of the monies, apparently in Albania, they can't just write you a check and mail it.  I did not know this.  I'm learning so much.  And another email had a subject line of "the best sex you will ever have".  Now, I like sex.  It is very good, but the best that I will ever have? Although it was a little intimidating, I opened it only to find out they want to sell me a penis pump.  Are they trying to sell me a penis pump because they think that I have a penis, or that the man in my life has a tiny penis? Either way, I am a little insulted.  I am unsure of how to handle these emails.  I will mull it over my warm cup of cappuccino this morning while I suck on Mentos, fruit flavored of course.  Hmmm...

Fold the laundry you lazy cripple!

I have had a busy few weeks...i've been extra busy with wifely duties even though I am no longer a wife....I really could use a wife..as you may have read in some of my previous posts, but no one has yet to apply for the position...yea, fuck you toos...fine! I'll do it all myself, as usual..all while making Tyrone feel guilty for being a lazy crippled ass.  Yea..I say that too him a lot...I'll ask him to fold the laundry while I'm gone, and I come home and he hasn't done a God damned thing except play free cell on his computer and throw the newspaper off the table onto the floor.  His contribution to my gray hairs.  He's so sweet..don't get your panties in a freakin bunch...I love the crippled bastard...it's okay...I kinda figured when I moved him in with me that he wouldn't be much of a help around the house, but thought that I'm kinda magical and maybe I could change him...yep, so I still gotta fold the laundry...I'd ask demon daughter to do it, but I have received the look of death already 8 times this week, and I'm pretty sure she's plotting my horrific and painful death.  It's strange that every time I ask her to do something for me, she comes down with bizarre illnesses...I haven't figured it out and will probably have to take her to the doctor for them to put her back to normal, or better than normal...I'll say, please fold this laundry for me..."But mom!!  I can't cause I have a pimple on my butt and it hurts real bad when I sit and I can't sit and fold laundry!!" Okay, well please unload the dishwasher.. "But mother! I can't because they just finished their cycle 3 hours ago and the dishes are still warm and I'll probably get burned which will be bad cause my hands have been hurting a lot lately."  Go clean your freakin pigsty room! " But MOTHER!!!  I can't because I have a headache and everytime I bend down to pick something up off the floor it makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna pass out!"  Oh dear God...get me my fucking vodka.

Well, I've been sleeping quite well lately.  This is how I measure my stress.  When I was married to my DKD (Dear Kid's Dad...or Dicky Kid's Dad..your pick) yea, shut the hell up...my kids don't read my blog.. anywhoo...I was so stressed and hardly slept...most of the time I lay there awake listening to him sleep which would piss me off that he could sleep when it was so completely obvious how furious I was because I wouldn't say good night..he should have known that I was pissed about whatever...he was supposed to be able to read my mind after 17 years of marriage..right?  anyway...glad that's over cause I was so stressed and couldn't sleep, so I would lay there plotting his demise....or what shit I would leave for him and what I would take...HA  When I divorced him, I had a hard time sleeping, cause I was going through a crazy divorce and still sleeping with him and all, which was weird..it would keep me up at night wondering why I hated his guts yet still needed a booty call once in a while...Now, he's remarried and I'm very happy and now I sleep like a freakin rock!  It's great!  I can fall asleep anywhere at anytime...I told Tyrone well, now u will know when something is bothering me..I won't be able to sleep.   In fact, I had to have a renal ultrasound the other day to check some things out...no worries..I'm fine and will be able to fill your lives with glee for several more years~  Anyway, I actually fell asleep during the ultrasound! HA...the chick touches my arm and says....Maam, you need to take a deep breath and hold it...lol  Damn woman! Don't wake me up, this is me time!  Well, Tyrone is yelling for some coffee...Damn man! I'm busy!  Everybody always wants something from me. ~Fuck them all~

The X factor and warm cheese

So, I watched a little bit of the X  factor last night...it wasn't too bad, but I really can't stand Simon so I couldn't watch it for very long.  Don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with him....but I'd have to tape his mouth shut, cause he'd probably be telling me it was one of the worst auditions he's ever seen in his entire life, cause I would be so nervous and shaky, and probably a lil bit sweaty.  Plus, I could totally rock out to Rolling in the Deep by Adele in my car, so I could quite honestly see myself on stage belting out the bluesy sounds of Adele...Or I am also quite good at the Heeee Hoooo part of just about any of Michael Jackson's songs....ya know the one where he grabs his crotch, goes up on his tippee toes and goes "Heee Hoooo!"  Yea, I totally rock the fuck out of that.  I'd grab my crotch and everything.  In fact, I'm practicing right now...lol

I am just about ready to light up demon daughter's room into a huge freakin blaze...it is a pig sty...I am mortified by just walking by the room which I have to do to get to my room.  I literally turn my head to the right so I don't even get a glimpse of the mess hole of demon death...I am so tired of hearing, "Mom, I can't find (insert inadament oject here).  "Well, my darling daughter, perhaps it is located at the bottom of one of the 10 heaping piles of crap."  "No, mom! I already looked there!!"  Well, okay, mama's gonna go drink vodka now...see you tomorrow.

So, the day before yesterday I was baking banana bread cause I am totally the reincarnate of Betty Freakin Crocker...wait, is Betty Crocker even dead?? I should really do some investigating on that,,anyway, it was all warm and shit in my kitchen.  When I opened my freezer the steam came at me, so I just thought it was my warm kitchen against my cold open freezer door...but no, it was the beginning of my refridgerator taking a serious dump.  So the next morning, I go to get some chicken out for dinner and it's very soft...I start to feel ill.  I turn the freezer up and run into Tyrone's room..  "Tyrone!  The fridge is dying!"  He says, " damn"  Okay.....thanks for your help!  You lie there in your quadriplegic state and I shall run around saving the beef!  Damn cripples...lol  jk...I call him a filthy cripple all the time, he likes it...

So, I call the landlord (AKA the creepy old dude who wants to see me naked) who asks me if the fridge was there when I moved in....well, yes...I wouldn't call you to replace something that I have bought, unless it would work.... Well, I spend the next 3 hours on the internet and on the phone searching for a new fridge that I can pick up today. He says we can take my truck, and I can pay for it, but I want you to drive...um....okay,  (shivers down my spine, and puke in my throat)...so Tyrone says that while I'm driving he's gonna try and take advantage of me and I needed to take one for the team so we could get a new fridge, yea, okay...no problem...u just sit here and wait for my return, but don't stand in the way to the bathroom cause as soon as I get home, I'm gonna be hurling like Woody Harrelson did in the movie KingPin after he had sex with his creepy old landlord cause he couldn't pay his rent...."Oh, it's not THAT bad!"

So, by 2pm that day we have a new fridge! YAY!  As I'm putting the stuff back in that hasn't spoiled, Tyrone spots a bag of shredded cheese that I have thrown in the garbage...there is about a half cup in there and he says, "Get that outta there!" "But, Tyrone, it is warm"  "It's okay, I'll eat it tonight, it will be fine, don't throw it away!" Ugh....are you kidding me? We can afford to throw out a half a cup of cheese...but whatever, it's your body...of course I'll be the one cleaning up after you hurl all over yourself since you're all crippled and stuff...nice.  Whatever you say, my fuhrer....there's no point in arguing...he wins this one...warm cheese back in the fridge...I'll throw it out when he leaves the room...lol

Two posts today! Aren't you the lucky one!

Holy Hell!  The space bags worked!  It's freakin amazing!  I am gonna space bag the house, I think I'll start in demon's room....she's got a shit load of stuffed animals, many of which were won at fairs, by her mistaking ability to throw darts at balloons....."Mom, I'm really good at this!  Give me $5.00!" Then she wins the retarded little booby prize which is a 4" tall stuffed smurf, or some shit.  So, there are 85 tiny stuffed animals that serve absolutely no flippin purpose but to litter my floor with sadness.  Then there are doll babies that she does not play with, but we can never get rid of because someone gave them to her and they will be sad.  What the hell?  Grandma probably could care less if you get rid of the doll with pen marks on her face and is missing a leg that she bought your for Christmas when you were 4.  She won't even know...I'm gonna space bag all these little fuckers and send them to the moon~  Then I'm gonna space bag all my clothes that don't fit me anymore, but I can't throw away cause someday I will be down to that size again, and if I throw them out, I will have nothing to wear, so I won't even try to lose the weight cause I won't be able to go out and buy all new clothes..so it's way cheaper to just stay fat, right?  Then I'm gonna space bag all of Tyrone's ripped t-shirts that he won't let me throw out and I just keep them at the bottom of the drawer.  And all his sweatshirts and long sleeved shirts and his funeral pants, cause he never goes to the funeral...and the last funeral he went to  he didn't even wear those pants, so bam~!  They're getting space bagged baby!  BooYah~  I have an adrenaline rush...You think I could space bag electronic cords and shit?  You know how many different cables, and connectors, and cords, and crap I have stolen from cable men over the years...They are in a big box in the top of my closet....space bag baby, space bag!  I'm totally gonna space bag barbie clothes too, and the old pillows that I won't sleep on cause they're so old and gross, that I save them for my guests....space bag!
I'm on a roll....